What Not To Wear

Hey, ladies! As I write this to you, it is 1:30 in the morning, which means two things. First, I will probably not be getting up before noon. Secondly, it means that I am exactly two weeks away from seeing my man again! Please join me in a girlish squeal. *EEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeee!!!!*

As his boot camp graduation is approaching, albeit at the speed of a heavily sedated sloth, I am starting my hunt for the perfect dress to wear to the big day. I already have appointments to get my hair and nails done a few days before, but the dress is important. I need something that says, "Remember me? Your extremely sexy, not in a sleazy way, mostly classy, stunning girlfriend? P.S. I've missed you so much and if we get two seconds alone, I'm totally going to jump you in that sailor suit." Now, I realize this is a lot to expect from a dress. Besides, there are other things to consider.

Since it is still March in Chicago, I must keep in mind that we'll probably be attending the graduation in a blizzard...followed closely by mid 70s and sunny...and then another snowstorm. I'm not saying I'm looking for a slinky, sequined parka, but anything too revealing is out of the question. On a related note, as much as I'll want to look sexy when he sees me, this is still the US Navy. I'm thinking an element of class is expected. I'm thinking something between Britney Spears in her "Slave For You" video and Jackie O. There has to be a happy medium, right?

Now, arguably, just as important as the dress is the shoes. Although flats are clearly more comfortable, I look way sexier in heels. (Plus, they make me as tall as a normal person.) On the other hand, when I'm running to find Dave at the end, I can run much faster in flats...but on the other hand, if I have heels I can take them off and use the stiletto to hack my way through the crowd to him. So. Many. Decisions.

Whatever I end up wearing I know he'll love it. He'll think I'm beautiful because he loves me, and as such, is obligated to think I'm pretty. Ladies, continue to keep your heads up high, and if you don't feel like you can, at least lift your butt with a cute pair of heels.

Time Flies...Like a Penguin

Hey, ladies! So, it occurred to me that I will be seeing my sailor graduate exactly three weeks from today. I am consciously choosing to see that at as a reasonable amount of time, as opposed to an insurmountable, vortex of long-term despair. For all of you ladies who are counting down the seconds until your love returns, I would like to share some of my mental techniques for making the time go by. I find I have to trick myself into believing that his return is not so far off, lest I abandon all of hope of happiness and staple a picture of his face to a body pillow. (For the record, that is not one of my techniques. It is weird. Very weird. Please, don't.)

-Keep busy. For great advice on this, refer to the first post of this blog. Seriously, this whole blog is gold. Don't just read one post. You know, what? Go and read that first post now. I'll wait.........

-Use milestones to keep sane. Find something that is only a week or two away that you're really looking forward to, then don't think about your man's return date. If your must, create something fun, like a shopping trip or a movie date with friends. Focus on the excitement close at hand. Once that day comes and goes, pick something else a week or so away. Repeat until the big day is so close you can taste it. If you're unsure, it tastes like victory...which tastes a lot like cheese.

-Change your calendar to the month of his return and convince yourself that you're just in a very long month. If you make a comment about it being March and someone tries to correct you and tell you it's only February, give them a good, hard slap and tell them to let you have your feelings. Follow that with some tears and a dramatic exit. That will teach them not to interfere with your coping techniques.

-Get cryogenically frozen until he gets back.

-Go to the grocery store. Pick up a dozen frozen turkeys and the fixings with which to cook them if you do not already have them. While you're there, get some Nyquil. When you return home, prepare and eat all twelve turkeys, chasing each bite with Nyquil, until your arm can no longer lift the turkey to your face. Hibernate.

As a bonus, in the time it took you to read this post, whole minutes have been shaved off the time until you see your sailor again. To continue getting all that time out of the way, feel free to read this post repeatedly. Come back soon to waste more time...I mean, get advice and laugh a little. Hang in there, friends!

One Valentine's Down...

Hey, ladies! So, we all survived another Valentine's day! Yay! This sentiment does not apply to those who are currently not separated from their man, and if that's the case, quit reading and go spend precious time with your sailor. If you were apart from your love on Valentine's, I'm sure it was about as much fun as sitting alone in your fat pants, eating an entire pizza, while watching The Notebook. Yup. I'm sure that's exactly how it felt.

It seems like in many ways, being in a military relationship, we get the raw end of the deal. We spend the nights alone, yet don't enjoy the perks of single life. It is perfectly acceptable for a single woman to hit the bars on Valentine's and dance with whoever looks good enough to dance with after a few cocktails. We, on the other hand, get to sit at home, pining for our men, reading on facebook about all the glamorous dates your coupled friends went out on. Not everyone can be so lucky as to go to Taco Bell and a dollar theater movie on February 14th.

Well, yes. This year is over, but if I'm alone next year on V-Day, I'm not going to wear out my Nicolas Sparks book collection. I am going to have some good, clean fun, while still faithfully supporting my sailor. Feel free to also use my suggestions for a happy Valentine's Day.

-Go to the store and buy yourself a bouquet of flowers. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to have them, even if your man can't get them to you. If you're embarrassed to buy yourself flowers, just lie to the cashier and tell them they're for your grandmother, who recently broke her hip. Then squeeze out a fake tear or two. There will be no further questions from the cashier.

-Treat yourself to a new pair of shoes. Nothing says, "Happy Valentine's Day to me," like a pair of patent, 5" heels. If you can't walk in 5" inch heels, invest in some new fuzzy slippers...still sexy.

-Say, "Damn the diet," and hit up your favorite fast food joint. That way, you don't have to cook, but you also don't have to see happy couples out on their Valentine's dates. And if you see couple's spending that special evening at a fast food place, don't worry. They're not happy.

-Rent a movie where everybody dies.

-Put on that shirt you have of your man's that still smells like him, don your finest pair of tube socks, and dance around the house to anything by Beyonce, Rhianna, or the Jackson 5. Hello, catharsis and calorie burn.

Also, and this is very important, make sure to hit all the after V-Day candy sales. Chocolate is good for the soul...and it helps curb the crazy. Happy late Valentine's to you all and here's to a safe return of all of our men...after we've burned off the extra fat from all the after Valentine's candy.

To Hear His Voice

Hello, lovely ladies! Let me start by saying, this past week has been rough. Because of "Snowpocalypse 2011" in Chicago, my usual letter from Dave did not come. Without my letter, I had become convinced that the sun would never shine again, there was no beauty in the world, and that God had surely turned his back on us all. I got my letter Friday and my faith in God and humanity was quickly restored. To improve matters even MORE I got a surprise call from Dave on Friday afternoon and got to talk to him for a magical *30* minutes! The sound of his voice was more pleasant than a heavenly host of angels singing Handel's "Messiah" in perfect harmony, lead by Mariah Carey.

I find it crazy that the mere sound of someone's voice can make your heart flutter like the very first time you kissed. Really, he could have called and told me that aliens were attacking and we were all going to have to relocate to an underwater city and all I would have heard was, "You are so pretty. I love you to death and can't wait to see you again. Did I mention how pretty you are?"

One thing that's so difficult about phone calls for military couples is they can be so infrequent and short that you have to fit in so much in a short period of time. Unfortunately, due to this fact, some conversations end up sounding like this:

Sailor: Hey, baby!

Girlfriend: Hey, love! It's so good to hear from you!

Sailor: How have you been?

Girlfriend: Well, workisgoodandmyfamily'sdoingwell,butthoseclassesI'mtakingcanbekindofstressfulandoh,mygosh,imiss yousomuchandIwishyouwerehere!Youmeansomuchtomeandthingsaren'tthesameherewithoutyou.Howare

doing?

Sailor: Same.

Sailor/Girlfriend: K.Loveyou.Bye!

While I'm certain this is not always the case, such conversations can put stress on a relationship. Just remember to really take in and enjoy any communication you do get, and more importantly, try to breathe between words. Passing out makes the conversation even shorter. Hang in there and have a lovely day!

The Maiden Blog Post...Ship Joke

Hey ladies! Ah, the first post of a new blog, full of excitement and possibilities. Before we all start bonding and lamenting together, let me give you a quick background on the purpose of this blog. My boyfriend is currently slaving away at Great Lakes Naval Base in boot camp, training to be a world class sailor. I, on the other hand, am snowed in in my little apartment with nothing to do but cry onto my laptop, going through facebook pictures of the two of us and watch youtube videos of pictures of people I've never met set to "I'm Proud To Be An American" that only make me cry more.

I decided that I need something to do while Dave is gone that can help me cope and maybe help some fellow Navy girlfriends, fiancées, and wives. Since I am a comedian/humorist/hip hop dancer, I figured I could start a blog for us, not just to mourn our men being gone, but to have a few laughs, because frankly, we need that right now. Confession. I am not a hip hop dancer...but I do a mean "shopping cart."

I'm sure I'm newer to this lifestyle than many of you, as my man is still in basic, but I think I've still come up with some great ideas on how to entertain yourself while your man is away:

-Learn a musical instrument. I have purchased a ukulele and have almost mastered the art of tuning it.

-Pick up crocheting, needlepoint, or knitting. When Dave comes back, he'll have about 32 scarf-like chunks of yarn. Maybe I'll tell him they're pot holders...or placemats...or just throw them away.

-Take some time to get out and tour your city. Just try to avoid places that happy couples tend to populate, as you can become suddenly enraged or violent. Good places to go for some alone time are bookstores, coffee shops, or the movies. All of these are places that people should keep quiet anyway, giving you every right to throw something at a happily chatting couple.

-Get your girlfriends together and enjoy a ladies night. Your sailor probably wouldn't mind missing a night of pedicures, facials, and hair braiding anyway...at least not the hair braiding.

-Use the time to work on yourself, so when he gets back you look even more amazing than when he left, if that's even possible. ;) Start eating right and working out. At the very least, enjoy some work out tapes over a bowl of ice cream. Laughing at the people suffering and sweating on screen still burns calories.

-Work on your cooking so you can surprise him with your fabulous Betty Crocker skills upon his return. As they say, "The way to a man's heart is through enough cookies, cake, and brownies to feed a third world country."

-Find a blog you like and follow it religiously. Like every day. And tell your friends, family, and fellow military ladies how much you love it and that they should follow it, too. It's a great way to pass time and maybe even chuckle a little.

Alright, girls. Check back in soon. We can all have each other's backs in these hard times, and remember that it's okay to laugh. In fact, it's encouraged. Have a lovely day!